Invitations went out to the ‘final monthly session of Bitch’ on Friday and Crackbook has been abuzz with gossip ever since. I have sat down with Renee Schembri, Bitch promoter, twice to get the scoop on this final Bitch. We did one interview out on the town and one good girl interview at the Tropicana café.

Turns out it was really lucky we did the sober interview ‘cos the tape file from the from the night out was corrupted when I tried to transfer it. In retrospect the corrupt tape was a good thing because now there is no incriminating evidence. It did end in us twittering about 5am cheeseburgers and me discovering (once I got all the way home) that I had lost my keys. Also it was a weekday.

Thanks to the miracle of sobriety and the new keyboard docking station I just got for my iPhone, I managed to get the actual details of these “ Bitch” shennanigans on the record.

After 5 years and some 194 nights as the girl’s club on the block, Renee has decided to take a breather. In typical Renee style, this doesn’t mean she is actually taking a break. It means that she will be embarking on “Super Bitch” parties instead. I’ll just say that it was Renee’s habit of dealing with big projects by creating even bigger ones to worry about that finally made me decide I liked the girl. For years I was a cold, little mean girl to Renee over some harsh words at one of her events. Once I really took a good look at everything she does and bothered to get to know her, I felt like such dumb ass about it.

So now comes the next phase of Bitch and the evolution from monthly club night to special event party. Renee thinks it will give her more time to focus on quality in production and talent. The international dj’s are now knocking on the Bitch door, instead of the other way ‘round, so Miss Schembri is planning on big show case events being part of the next step for her brand.

Talks are under way for an L.A deal that I’m not supposed to talk about but I will say it involves Dinah Shore!!! And I totally promised I wouldn’t spill the Black Label Bitch plans but I never actually said I wouldn’t print the words Black Label Bitch. That is as far as I can go because one of my readers has called me out for unprofessionalism already this week. I’m trying to show ‘Anonymous’ that I do have some kind of moral code.

The final monthly Bitch session is on the 6^th of August and then you get nothing until November. Which is just in time for my birthday. Please send all cards and flowers to the back stage of the venue. It is where I like to sit and watch Renee lose it over mike systems that suddenly don’t work and require her to crawl around under dirty stages in clean clothes. It’s also where I secretly smoke until I get in trouble.

 Bitch @ The Oxford Art Factory, August 6^th (pm – til late.

Dear Anonymous,

I have neglected my site for 16 days, which is super unprofessional. At first  I thought I must be sick because I wasn’t complaining about anything. I’ve ruled out all major medical conditions, which must be relief as you seem to read my work much more intently than anyone else. In the process I missed your crtitique of my website, for which I apologise. As people rarely take the time to comment on my nonsense, I thought I should address some of your concerns regarding the following post http://famemonster.com.au/?p=1434#comments

I was already a little bit annoyed by the whole “Jesus wept.” I thought it was done in bad taste,and a offensive insensitive way to began a news story. It proceeded by profanity which was even more vulgar and unclassy.

While I am flattered that you would refer to anything on Fame Monster as a news story, I am afraid you have given me more credit than I deserve. This blog is simply the lunatic ravings of a terrible person with nothing better to do. Any actual news that may filter through is ony by coincidence. I have to use ‘unclassy’ profanity because I have nothing else.

By the time I got to “I believe the woprst about everything ” I then realized to make matters worse that you are a semi-literate writer which is a normal paradox often especially when theres editors now adays and spell check etc. but I think you really should consider using one of them since you obviously can’t spell.

You will be pleased to know that the magic of the internet allowed me to go back and change that typo just for you. It’s hard to believe that I let such a glaring error slip through but then, I was drunk when I wrote that post so I didn’t notice that ‘p’ lurking around in there.

Now I sincerely hope this is just some hobby,and not supposed to be professional because if it is you are unprofessional,and with all due respect this sucks!

Thank you so much for thinking about what a negative influence vulgar language and errant typos could have on my career path. If only you realised that those things are just the tip of the iceberg, you probably wouldn’t have bothered with all the helpful advice. On the other hand, you did read all the way to the end of the article without abandoning the site for one of my many talented competitors, so the lack of professionalism doesn’t seem to hurt me all that much.

In conclusion, while I appreciate your generous attempt to provide constructive criticism, I am far too lazy, wicked and generally hung-over, to start subbing throw-away gossip on an internet site. Did that seem like a lot of redundant commas to you?

Sincerely yours,

Fame Monster

Only a few months back, I would have said if you were tired of Lindsay Lohan, you were tired of life. I followed her every move. There was a Lilo stalker site that gave hourly updates on her every shoe purchase or fight with Samantha Ronson and I was an avid reader. I prided myself on being the first person in the country to know when her hair had changed colour. When I realised she would be going to gaol, I imagined I would have to start a Lohan-watch blow-by-blow of her time in the pokey. But I just can’t do it. I didn’t even know she was in her cell until two days after the fact.

If even I can’t be bothered anymore, all that remains for the Linds to do is be a good girl when she gets out.

Since we are Facebook friends, I figure me and Miss Lohan must be super close. So here is my friendly advice: for god’s sake girl, stop doing bad things in public. Better yet don’t go out at all, unless it’s to watch your brother play basket ball or to build habitats for the homeless. Wait at a year before you even try to act again. Oh and at least pretend prison changed your life. I mean, it worked for Robert Downey Junior.

Jesus wept, I know I am a cynical bitch. I believe the worst about everything but I really believed Lindsay and her scram brcalet would last longer than this…

How could it already be going off? Maybe she should have abstained from the MTV movie awards? Now her bail has been doubled after yet another warrant is issued for her arrest. I think homegirl actually wants to end up in the big house.

Maybe it will be a relief for her. Not having to endlessly keep up this dumbass image. What’s more, she’ll probably find a hot butch girlfriend like Helena did in the L Word!

Nana chic has been threatening to make a comeback for the last few seasons. I’m not exactly opposed to the the floral prints or sturdy brogue-esqe shoes. I wouldn’t wear them but if people have a desire to look like celibate librarians, I see no reason to make a fuss.

However, when the blue rinse starts making the rounds on women under 60, I draw the line. I’ve been mocking Ruby Rose’s sliver fox job since it debuted, naively assuming it was a one-off piece of stupidity. Then I saw a Supre fashion victim trying to rock the look at a nightclub and now Kelly Osbourne hammers the final nail into the coffin.

Yes ladies and gentleman, that is a blue rinse and a set. My only question now is, how much does it cost without the pensioner discount?

DJ Beth Yen

There’s nothing like a good BITCH, to keep you warm in Winter !

As the nights start to chill, we get ready to turn up the heat, with our next monthly session – Its the Annual WINTER WONDERLAND party -  traditionally on the very 1ST weekend of Winter..

This is our biggest themed party so far this year, with a huge White Winter visual installation. We are gonna transform the Oxford Art Factory, so you’ll feel like you’re Walking in a “Winter Wonderland”.

Adding some fresh new talent onto the line up, we crank it up a notch this winter:

DJS – SHALYN GRAY plays Bitch for the first time, with a LIVE percussion + DJ set ! alongside KATE MONROE & BETH YEN ! + more TBA

LIVE – Vocalist / MC – SAMMY G & Dance crew EKAZEE deliver a massive production show not to be missed.

Snow machines, UV installations, and a stack or surprises make this one session you will love.

Entry Just $10 !! with a free drink, and VIP pass to access the VIB lounge for those who get in before 10.30pm

xoxo The Bitch Team

Bitch @ Oxford Art Factory, June 4 from 9pm

www.bitchnews.com.au

I can admit it it, I am a Sapphire Lounge slave. I loved it when it was a dodgy little bunker called the Icebox and I love the grown up, uber glam club it evolved into.

You want to know a little secret Oxford Street would like to keep from you? Kings Cross knows how to treat it’s people right. VIP guest lists, ridiculously cool drink promotions and luxury decor are only part of the attraction.

The deejays are paid well and the bar people don’t snarl as they take your order. It makes quite a nice change, let me tell you. For me, that magic always happens best at Sapphire. I spend my days in the office and my nights on ther dancefloor… So when we launch our hot new mixed night on Friday June 11, I’ll be your best tour guide ever.

Right now I can tell you we have a hot dj line-up and some super cool VIPs on the guest list. Next week I’ll be able to tell you a whole lot more, so stay tuned.

Saphhire Fridays @ 2 Kellet St Kings Cros, June 11 from 8pm

Watching the Lindsay trainwreck is a bit like Nightmare on Elm St, or Scream. No matter how many people die, there is always going to be another sequel.

During the last week Miss Alcolohan completely outdid herself in the horror genre stakes. She missed a court hearing that could have had her thrown in gaol because it was too hard to get back from Cannes in time. And then claimed that her Daddy stole her passport to get her in trouble but when she finally did make it to court. The judge  wasn’t buying it and laughed right in her pinched little meth face.

So now Lindsay has to wear a scram monitering bracelet and isn’t allowed to drink or drug. Correction, isn’t alllowed to drink or drug the fun stuff. Lilo is still allowed all the ambien and adderall that she can crush and inject into her eyeball.

What did Lindsay do to improve her image after all this shit hit the fan? Charity work and quiet nights on the couch obviously weren’t gonna cut it. Lindsay responded by spending several hours in a crap salon getting her half-fake mane back to crazy blonde.

That bleached rats nest is like Britney’s pink wig: a tell-tale sign that the ride is about to get very bumpy!

Who is this hot little number?

Searching for the Playbitch cover-girl is nothing at all like hard work. We get into that photo cube at Bitch and a steady stream of gorgeous creatures are ours to play with for the rest of the night.

During last month’s photo call, one group of girls stripped off their shirts and got so down and dirty that the Monster was rather impressed. Part of me thinks they were always planning it, ‘cos those shirtless wonders were all cavorting about in matching black bras and sexy blue jeans. It was like a lesbian Calvin Klein ad for a minute there.

Next Friday’s Winter Wonderland party is your last chance to get in on the action. The prize? Limo pick-up for 4, champagne, VIP access, red carpet photos and a feature “Playbitch Bunny” shoot.  Bring your game-faces, girls!

Bitch @ Oxford Art Factory, June 4 from 9pm

www.bitchnews.com.au